You know those days

where you have a ton of work you're not ever going to get done even when you stay an hour after work and people keep asking you to do stuff and you have a million calls

and your grandfather's sick and you know it's just a matter of time at this point so you have to make every little moment count

and you have some issues with an old fandom but at the same time you really fucking miss it and you want to go back and have fun with it like you used to but you're scared it's going to end horribly

and you realize that both the people you love will probably never love you back because you've told one and she's not interested and she's got a boyfriend down in Texas and you know that when she eventually marries him you might never see her again and she's been your best friend since sixth grade

and the other one doesn't even know and you're not going to tell her because it would end horribly and you have an analogy that you're not going to even USE to describe that relationship because it would just give it away

and at any rate you're so broken that the thought of sexual and romantic intimacy has every fiber in your body screaming NOPE NOPE NOPE but at the same time you're so lonely and you know your shyness and insecurity are part of the problem and you don't know what to do about it

And then you realize that YOU'RE THE ROMANTIC LEAD WITH THE CRIPPLING SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES IN THOSE PARANORMAL YA NOVELS WITHOUT THE SOCIOPATHY AND THE HORRIBLE PERSON-NESS AND THE LACK OF ANY SORT OF PERSONALITY

...I'm still counting this as a success. Because I burst into tears twice at work instead of fantasizing about hurting myself.

Fuck crochet tonight, I'm taking some time to relax.

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chatham_t_rivers

October 2013

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