the path to heaven

[fic musings] Brainwashed Saiyan Mook story - Re-tooling

Sun, 06 Oct 2013 23:16:11 GMT

One of my big flaws is that I tend not to put pen to paper unless something really stirs me emotionally (see: my behavior towards France and APH in general for the past three years) or I think I have all the pieces of a fic that I need to make it work. It'll just be like--I think of something, it'll go "click" and I'll go "ah-HA!" and start writing. In other words--until I think the story's ready, I don't write anything.

In the meantime, I toy with basic premises to see if I can't tease something out and create that "Ah-ha" moment. The time travel one...didn't work (and I am ashamed I told it to my best friend the first time we met in about a year and a half).

Here's what I've come up with so far for the Brainwashed!Saiyan idea:

( Cut for spoilers for several things, including: Zombies, Run!, Puella Magi Madoka Magica, and the fic itself. )

So that's that. Hope everyone else is doing okay--as for me, tomorrow it's back to long hours until Thursday. Hopefully next week will be less exhausting!

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[rambling] Dragon Ball: Battle of Gods and Dragon Quest V!

Sat, 05 Oct 2013 20:55:27 GMT

So, let me get this straight. Battle of Gods marks the first new Super Saiyan level in twenty-something years...

...aaaaand it's an unpowered Goku reskin with red hair, a smaller figure, and ON FIRE.

....

.......

Eh, I'd still f*ck it.

( cut for spoilers! )

tl;dr Lol'd and would lol again. Check it out if you have a chance--it's one helluva ride.

Also read through a fantastic Dragon Quest V: Hand of the Heavenly Maiden LP. Awesome, awesome, AWESOME story, amplified by an awesome, awesome, AWESOME LPer who manages to mix romance, humor, and drama all into one LP. Comes highly recommended! ...And will, in fact, probably be one of the projects I cross my Brainwashed!Goku fic over with. ...When I get to writing it.

I mean, the concept is simple: Goku is brainwashed and crazy. The other protagonists have to fix him while also dealing with the villain. ...I just keep wanting to make it more epic, though.

Eh, I'll figure it out.

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I'm still alive...

Fri, 04 Oct 2013 01:44:21 GMT

...It just turns out that voluntarily working a nine-hour shift with no lunch/break, two eleven-hour shifts (with one of those having lunch but no break, the other having a 30-minute lunch break), and a 10-hour shift with a 45 minute break is not conducive to creating energy. Meaning It's not conducive to me doing anything but plugging away at Pokemon White 2. I'm trying to resolve main-game before Pokemon X gets here (preordered with one-day shipping, aww yiss, something to look forward to after this coming week). Am currently on the final badge. And cursing at myself because I've seriously neglected training up my Water-demolishing Mons.

Here's ~~how fucked I am~~ my top ten.

My Current Team:
Ivalien (Eelektrik, Lv. 42)*
Zoroark (Zoroark, Lv. 45)
Qual'mean (Lucario, Lv. 46)
Casca (Virizion, Lv. 46)
Mado (Azumarill, Lv. 39)**
Glorlintir (Sawsbuck, Lv. 35)*

* Currently training up.
* Surf slave (I remembered I have Surf and Fly, lol)

My Four Backups:
Guts (Cobalion, Lv. 45)
Inohyn (Emboar, Lv. 45)
Easter (Nosepass, Lv. 45)
Casca (Absol, Lv. 37)***

***I will be renaming her after I find the Name Rater. Turns out I had the bright idea to name the Legendary Trio in this game after Guts, Casca, and Griffith only AFTER I caught the Absol -___-;;;.

I know that the Leader has at least one Pokemon guaranteed to throw me for a doozy.

Pumpkin painting at work tomorrow!

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A Letter For The Lost Days

Fri, 27 Sep 2013 03:12:45 GMT

Dear Lenarix Klinde

( [insert loads of pretentious and WHAT COULD IT MEEEEEEAAAAN?! here] )

With Cautious Hope,

Brill

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So I'm in an upswing [CAPTAIN OBVIOUS POST INCOMING]

Thu, 26 Sep 2013 01:38:18 GMT

Turns out I can't exactly TIME my upswings, but I'm starting to learn my mood rhythms. It usually goes downswing -> breakdown -> upswing -> manic!egotistical!episode -> downswing.

Stressors like work, family emergencies, or Big Fat Meanieheads On Teh Imtarbutz tend to exacerbate things towards breakdown or mania (which are the ultimate high/ultimate low, respectively), but for the most part there's a definite, trackable pattern. I'm pretty sure that if I went back and read my journal, I can track it just based on verbage and sentence pattern, and I tend to indicate if something's adding as a stressor.

...It's not a perfect theory, but if I can nail it down to the days I get stuck in each stage, then I might be able to avoid things that trigger my depression during my downswing and upswing days and minimize the effects of the superhighs and superlows. Because as people have been telling me--this isn't healthy, at least not on the regular basis I've been having them. And if I want to have the things I really want--a relationship, an ability to write on a regular basis, better eating habits, healthier relationships with my friends, better exercise habits--then I need to start taking responsibility.

...I've been really fucking stupid these past few years. It's time to get back on track.

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fuck ALL the emo shit. ALL of it.

Tue, 24 Sep 2013 23:13:12 GMT

I know what I have to do now.

I think I know how to write it so that the OP and I are BOTH satisfied. I think.

I know where I want to go with this next.

It's going to be okay. I said I would work through this, and I WILL. And I think I can now.

It's going to be okay.

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oh jesus christ

Mon, 23 Sep 2013 00:03:03 GMT

( ....I wanted this to work. )

Going to go work on my commissions, watch a puzzle game LP for Antichamber, and then after that probably chill a little on the Dragonball Kink Meme. ...Small as the fandom may be, I need a prompt and meme that hits my d'awww buttons.

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second verse, same as the first

Sun, 22 Sep 2013 17:11:13 GMT

So I'm trying to explain to the OP of Bitter Medicine why I was trying to write her fill the way I was. I...I'm not trying to cause drama anymore.

Haven't read her response because I'm not doing that shit to myself right now. I'm still recovering from Grandpa. If it's something bad and I end up triggering a low...

...I'm not going to do that to myself right now. I'm scared and I'm probably catastrophizing this. ...I'm hoping I'll stabilize again before I hit my high--I'm about due for another manic period.

I have a crochet order I need to work on and then I'm going to work on this Fem!America prompt dealing with the zombie apocalypse. God bless you and your wonderful storytelling, Zombies, Run!

( This is cut because of spoilers for the DBZ movie that came out in March. )

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viewing

Sat, 21 Sep 2013 01:17:15 GMT

( still grieving, if no longer sobbing )

I replied to a comment that the OP made on my fill--I was worried that we had different definitions of a "happy ending" in the case of Bitter Medicine--her definition of a happy ending was one where everyone hugged and forgave and France got over his trauma. I tried to be as professional and non-wanky about it as possible. She's replied, and I'm not reading it because AHAHAHAHAAA NOPE NOPE NOPE NOT DOING THAT SHIT TO MYSELF AFTER LOSING A BELOVED FAMILY MEMBER. I'm waiting until WELL after the funeral to subject myself to that bullshit. It might not be drama-related, but there is a chance there might be.

And I still have a long ways to go in caring for myself, but I care about myself enough to know I tried to be as wank-free as possible and I'm not hurting myself with that bullshit. Not now, at least.

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i cant do this

Thu, 19 Sep 2013 01:01:22 GMT

( but i have to find a way )

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goodbye

Thu, 19 Sep 2013 00:56:18 GMT

RIP Grandpa

September 4th, 1923 - September 18th, 1923

You were gentle without being passive, strict without being aggressive, opinionated without trampling on the opinions of a granddaughter still trying to make sense of growing up--and above all, you were our hero.

Thank you for everything. I wish I could have been a better granddaughter--I just hope I made you proud.

Love now and forever,

Your ~~Only~~ Favorite Granddaughter

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Mon, 16 Sep 2013 21:57:37 GMT

Grandpa declined again.

Manager persuaded me to leave work early. Went there and proceeded to sob by my sleeping grandfather's bedside for a half-hour like a wee baby. Because of course I would.

Mom told me I shouldn't come if all I'm going to do is cry. ...I wish I were strong. Like her, or Dad, or Grandpa, so that I didn't fucking cry whenever someone I love is going to die. He's peaceful and not in pain and that's what's important.

I have stuff tomorrow. Haven't figured out whether to do them or spend that time with Grandpa, who may or may not be sleeping then.

I....

I don't know. Part of me really needs to do something fun. The other will regret not being able to see him one more time, to say what I need to without sobbing.

...I see Scott tonight. And who knows, maybe Mom and Dad will tell me not to show my damn face there again because I'd embarrass them. who the fuck knows.

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Sun, 15 Sep 2013 17:55:19 GMT

Please give me some writing prompts from the Hetalia Kink Meme.

Please.

I need to fill but nothing is inspiring me.

Please. I'm not going to be able to focus on writing if I don't. I have my preferences, but as long as I'm familiar with the characters I'll write anything.

Please.

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Sun, 15 Sep 2013 14:25:10 GMT

( Just need to get this out of my system )

Okay, so anyway. Looks like I'm going to be a NaNo Rebel this year because I've already tried to bang out eight chapters of Alegria. I'm giving myself two months to prepare, though, and to set good habits. I'll be attempting a fill a day on the kink meme, even if it's just a drabble. I'm also working on an outline.

...There's no need to be ashamed of what I write or how I write it. Even if nobody reads it. Even if nobody likes it. I write what I write and I'm fine with that.

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I filled a prompt

Sun, 15 Sep 2013 00:24:06 GMT

Not what I wanted to...but I did it.

It let off a lot of energy that I needed to let off. I'm not linking it here because I don't want to think about it right now. I need to focus on my original fiction while my thoughts are still clear and not filled with revenge-fic about Francis Bonnefoy.

I'm going to make Alegria my NaNo this year, and I'm going to start planning it out now. I'm going to hammer out an outline and I'm going to do my damndest to follow it.

Let's put on those big girl panties and git 'er done. Don't know if I'm going to post everything here, but here are some basic changes I'm considering:

( Cut! )

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WRITE SOMETHING

Fri, 13 Sep 2013 00:57:15 GMT

...I can't pick. Not because there's so much I want to write but because there's so little

...I give in. If you want, pick something for me. I am not giving this up until there's a piece of writing on that fucking meme by the end of this month.

( Freud would jizz his pants. Also, tell me I don't have issues. )

Also, feel free to psychoanalyze if you want.

Went to see Grandpa today and got to sit with him while he slept and didn't react when I tried to talk to him. Was supposed to go with Mom but she had work. He's not eating, apparently.

In other news, this week is bad and it needs to feel really. Fucking. Bad.

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Good Lord, you big baby

Thu, 12 Sep 2013 02:30:12 GMT

( this isn't angsting I'm just bracing myself )

Okay. Deep breaths. It's a fandom. A fandom that you haven't followed in YEARS but still just. a. fandom.

pick something and just write it. You have bookmarked prompts including that France being a good lover one (OF COURSE YOU WOULD PICK THAT ONE ARGH at least you made up for it with the sociopath one),

Put on your big girl panties and git 'er done. If nothing else you'll have a goddamned rough draft to go with.

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I went back to the Hetalia Kink Meme.

Wed, 11 Sep 2013 02:42:58 GMT

Am reviewing the prompts now.

( I'm okay! Really. I just...I have a lot of things I need to sort through. )

...I have to go to bed.

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Day from Hell

Wed, 11 Sep 2013 01:26:51 GMT

( So yeah, all things considered, I'm okay. )

...I'm still counting this as a success. Because I burst into tears twice at work instead of fantasizing about hurting myself.

Fuck crochet tonight, I'm taking some time to relax.

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Finished Reading "Awoken"!

Sun, 08 Sep 2013 00:13:43 GMT

oh my god

like

"DON'T LEAVE ME"

"I MUST, ITTY-BITTY ONE"

the world

this world is a better and more beautiful place for these lines having been written

please buy this book

GIVE THESE PEOPLE ALL OF YOUR MONEY

and here have oancitizen doing a dramatic reading:

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AAAAA

Sat, 07 Sep 2013 03:11:35 GMT

AAAAAAA

GUARDIAN'S SONG

ARE YOU GETTING POKEMON X OR Y

AAAAA

IMMA GET YOUR OPPOSITE AND THEY'RE AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER

I CAN'T

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Just got "Awoken" by the brains behind The Nostalgia Chick

Sat, 07 Sep 2013 02:03:54 GMT

Oh, you BETTER believe I am going to enjoy this. SO. MUCH. CATHARSIS from 50 Shades of AAAAAAAAUGH.

I am having a terminal case of the Fridays.

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== SEMI-HIATUS NOTICE ==

Fri, 30 Aug 2013 00:48:39 GMT

I've been giving some thought to this recently, and...I've come to the difficult decision to focus pretty much entirely on crocheting for now. I need the money, and crochet is something that's quick and easy for me to do.

I am still going to be posting, but not as often, and I will not be writing or posting fanfic or LR's. Between work, exercise, and other obligations...I don't have enough time in a day.

I love you all, and I'm still going to be around--I just don't want any of you to worry about me if I go for stretches without posting. I will still be following all of you via the f-list.

Take care, everyone. Stay awesome.

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The "This is why I made the joke about Donnel" post

Thu, 22 Aug 2013 03:17:25 GMT

Right then. Let's barf up the half-digested spooge of some fanwank and discuss, y/y? Will contain copious spoilers for...the fic I'm hoping to write. Someday.
____

( BEHOLD! Stupid, derp, wasted potential, batcrap logic, and spoilers for fic and specials beneath this cut! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. )So anyway they are all ONE BIG FUCKED-UP FAMILY and they are hopping timelines and dimensions for their own reasons. This particular dimension shift brings them in touch with canon!DBZ, into a timeline where Pan had just been born and Bulla is three years old....

....Okay so this looked a lot less fucked-up in my head STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT I'M STILL WORKING OUT THE KINKS OKAY

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Pro-Gay Christian Fanwank!

Wed, 21 Aug 2013 23:57:56 GMT

Find it here.

Well, those are three words I never thought I'd string together, and for what it's worth, it IS interesting. Also a cause I support!

But OH LORD, I read some of these essays and all I can hear are college and high-school slash/femslash fangirls saying "No, HONESTLY! Those two are TOTALLY IN LOVE with each other, it says so in the book and EVERYTHING!"

What I'm trying to say is that it's very, very fluffybunny.

Also, I would pay to see centurion/"honored slave" fanfic.

...Guardian's Song, stop that. I'm practically broke.

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