2012-11-08 20:13![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chatham_t_rivers
chatham_t_rivers Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
So.
I've decided that...I've decided I'm not going to actively care about Hetalia...but I'm not going to not care. ...I think a lot of this started when I stopped cutting myself. ...Hearing people talk trash and berate me gives me a rush. I...I like it when they do that. There are horrible, horrible, awful consequences, yes...but it's all for that one single rush. That's another one of my theories. That I want people to be disgusted with me...that I want them to talk shit about me. Even if it doesn't make sense...I don't know. I just don't know.
I talked with Scott, and...I think I'm going to try and leave my fantasies alone, and while I'm not going to actively act on writing and publishing them...if that's what I want to do, then I'll do it. I'll write what I want--what strikes my fantasies. If it's Seychelles getting [REDACTED] while chained up, or France doing [REDACTED] or getting [REDACTED], or gory revenge on America's part...that's what I'll do. If it's something plotty, or consensual, or fluffy, I'll write that too. ...And I like to think that I'm getting better at just writing things to write them. I'm getting to a point where I'm actively thinking about Hiedamil's Song, and about writing it, and all the little details. I'm thinking about a Dragon Ball fanfic based off the pseudo-canon that Episode of Bardock gave us, and mixing it with Journey to the West and Japanese mythology. ...There are also some Hetalia fanfics I want to tell, but I'm not going to force them to be told.
...And I feel awful that I went against the promise I made to myself long ago--that' I'd never write rape or non-con or things that were over-the-top dark--but maybe I'm just changing. Maybe I'm not a horrible person for having these fantasies. ...I don't want them, but maybe everyone's right. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it.
I know--I know it's toxic for me right now. But I believe that it's going to get better. Unless I'm really ready to let something go, I can't let go. It just torments me and eats away at me until I'm a screaming ragemonkey on the Internet.
So...for now, I think I still do care. I loved this series--well, I loved metallic_sweet's fanfics for it, andpuella_nerdii's fanfics, and miaoujones's fanfics, and mithrigil-sensei's fanfics for it--
I have to remember I loved the idea of the series. I loved the potential it held--the ideas that Nations had personifications, the ideas and ramifications behind that, the human AUs. I loved writing to brighten someone's day, I loved the notion of a romantic!philosophical!France that was a far cry from his canon representation--and being okay with that, knowing we all had our different sandboxes to play in.
...Somewhere, I lost sight of that. I only cared about comments--because my readers made me feel important. They made me feel like a good writer. ...And for someone who was, and still is, very lonely in real life, that was A Big Thing. ...I let it get too big, and I got humbled. Repeatedly.
I'm going to do my best not to make that mistake. And if I do, I'll try my best to forgive myself. And if this happens again and again--well, Scott said I had to re-assess what makes me happy. So...I'll do just that.
I'll take it day-by-day.
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
So.
I've decided that...I've decided I'm not going to actively care about Hetalia...but I'm not going to not care. ...I think a lot of this started when I stopped cutting myself. ...Hearing people talk trash and berate me gives me a rush. I...I like it when they do that. There are horrible, horrible, awful consequences, yes...but it's all for that one single rush. That's another one of my theories. That I want people to be disgusted with me...that I want them to talk shit about me. Even if it doesn't make sense...I don't know. I just don't know.
I talked with Scott, and...I think I'm going to try and leave my fantasies alone, and while I'm not going to actively act on writing and publishing them...if that's what I want to do, then I'll do it. I'll write what I want--what strikes my fantasies. If it's Seychelles getting [REDACTED] while chained up, or France doing [REDACTED] or getting [REDACTED], or gory revenge on America's part...that's what I'll do. If it's something plotty, or consensual, or fluffy, I'll write that too. ...And I like to think that I'm getting better at just writing things to write them. I'm getting to a point where I'm actively thinking about Hiedamil's Song, and about writing it, and all the little details. I'm thinking about a Dragon Ball fanfic based off the pseudo-canon that Episode of Bardock gave us, and mixing it with Journey to the West and Japanese mythology. ...There are also some Hetalia fanfics I want to tell, but I'm not going to force them to be told.
...And I feel awful that I went against the promise I made to myself long ago--that' I'd never write rape or non-con or things that were over-the-top dark--but maybe I'm just changing. Maybe I'm not a horrible person for having these fantasies. ...I don't want them, but maybe everyone's right. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it.
I know--I know it's toxic for me right now. But I believe that it's going to get better. Unless I'm really ready to let something go, I can't let go. It just torments me and eats away at me until I'm a screaming ragemonkey on the Internet.
So...for now, I think I still do care. I loved this series--well, I loved metallic_sweet's fanfics for it, and
puella_nerdii's fanfics, and miaoujones's fanfics, and mithrigil-sensei's fanfics for it--I have to remember I loved the idea of the series. I loved the potential it held--the ideas that Nations had personifications, the ideas and ramifications behind that, the human AUs. I loved writing to brighten someone's day, I loved the notion of a romantic!philosophical!France that was a far cry from his canon representation--and being okay with that, knowing we all had our different sandboxes to play in.
...Somewhere, I lost sight of that. I only cared about comments--because my readers made me feel important. They made me feel like a good writer. ...And for someone who was, and still is, very lonely in real life, that was A Big Thing. ...I let it get too big, and I got humbled. Repeatedly.
I'm going to do my best not to make that mistake. And if I do, I'll try my best to forgive myself. And if this happens again and again--well, Scott said I had to re-assess what makes me happy. So...I'll do just that.
I'll take it day-by-day.
